So CM Punk is sitting in my office. He’s still wearing Stone Cold’s shirt, because Punk and Austin are feuding on Twitter and apparently they’re going to settle it in a steel cage at Twittermania in a year over my dead body.
“Punk, we need to chat about a few things,” I calmly sit down.
“Of course, Mr Chairman,” he says, smirking, sucking on a lollipop he probably got from Ken Kennedy.
“Chris Masters Punk,” I say, “If that is your real name.”
“It is,” he quips.
“Look, I have to come out of my pretend coma to suspend you tonight. I have to do it on the Internet. You know how I despise the Internet.”
“If I’m going to do something like that, it has to be huge. It has to be the Rock’s return huge. And to be honest, I didn’t like your speech.”
“Yeah, you cut me off.”
“Can we go over the script?” I took the notes out from my briefcase. I passed a copy over to Punk. “This is what you were supposed to say.”
Punk looks at the script. He shoots a look back at me and Laurinaitis. He says, “Honestly, I know I let you down. But I’ve never been good at following these things line for line.”
“Well, that’s clear now,” I say. “But you’re missing the point. What were you supposed to call Stephanie?”
Punk sighs. He says, “A two bit gutter whore.”
“That’s right,” I say. “I really didn’t think that was necessary.”
I growl. “You’ll say what I tell you to say. Now, what were you supposed to call HHH?”
“A kiss ass nepotist with no real wrestling talent.”
“That’s right,” Laurinaitis proclaims. “I was up all night thinking of that line. And you just called him an idiot. What a waste!”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “It’s live TV. What was I supposed to do, go backstage and check?”
“That’s not even the worst one,” I say, flipping the page.
“Look,” Punk says. “I’m gone in a few weeks. Write me off. Erase me. Do what you did with Jericho.”
“Who?” I say.
“Chris Jericho,” Punk stammers. “He worked here for like, ten years.”
“Never heard of him,” I say. “Was he that short Mexican guy?”
“Chavo,” Punk corrects me. “His name was Chavo.”
“Who am I thinking of?” I think to myself. “Chyna? I must have been thinking of Chyna. Does she still work here?”
“She’s a porn star now,” Punk says.
“Yeah,” he replies.
“Look, we’re getting off the point. You were supposed to hit these marks, and you fell way short. What were you supposed say about me?”
“That the whole locker room wanted to piss on your ashes.”
“Right,” I say. “Then what?”
“Shoot those ashes into a toilet.”
“Have Booker T…” He pauses. “I don’t want to say it. It’s really racist.”
I put the papers back into the briefcase. “And you wonder why you’re not in the main event.”
Punk flips through his script to the end. “Mr. McMahon, to be fair, there’s a lot of stuff in here that doesn’t make sense. Like, at the end you have me spelling out WCW with my finger. What does that even mean?”
“Duh,” Laurenitis says. “It means you’re leaving for WCW.”
“But…they’re not around anymore. You bought them.”
“Right, but do you have any idea how many people still think WCW exists? They think there’s some place down south where Jeff Jarrett and Sting and Hulk Hogan wrestle each other on national television.”
“I think you mean TNA,” Punk says.
“Tnwha?” I stammer.
“Nevermind,” he says. “Look. People think I won’t be around after the PPV. Let me lose to Cena and disappear for a while. Then you can bring me back and job me out to Tyson Kidd on Superstars.”
“What’s Superstars?” I ask.
Laurinaitis says, “You’ve been in that coma for a long time, sir.”
We previously reported that the Kings of Wrestling (Claudio Castagnoli and Chris Hero) recently had a private try out with WWE officials. WWE officials were impressed, and extended the former Ring of Honor tag team champions contract offers. They also have offers on the table from Ring of Honor, and the company wanted all long-terms deals to be signed yesterday, so that future booking plans could be implemented. According to Dave Meltzer, it is believed the tag team did not sign with ROH, and the assumption was that they are leaning towards signing with WWE.
Guess who will be invading your country in about one months time! ;)
My parents have organised a family holiday because we are all “growing up” and don’t see each other enough anymore. Also because it’s my mum’s 50th and my sister’s 21st and Australians like to celebrate ~in style~
We still haven’t booked all of our flights because we’re a play-it-by-ear kind of family, but I imagine places like LA, New York and Las Vegas will be on the cards. Also, I’m working on convincing my siblings to detour to Chicago with me at some point because my parents have already said they don’t want to go there but I think my heart might break into a million pieces if I am in the country and don’t visit my dream city.
Unfortunately my parents are super against the idea of me hanging out with anyone I know online because their idea of the internet is a bunch of pantsless old men pretending to be 13 year old girls. It’s pretty ridiculous but since they are funding the entire trip, I’m not going to be difficult or do anything that would make them angry/less inclined to take my overseas for the first time (plus, there’s always WM28, right guys?! Please tell me y’all still plan on going!) Buuuut on the off chance I do get time to myself, you guys should tell me where you live so I can stalk you.
Anyway, the reason I’m making this post is because:
a) I’ll probably ‘take time off’ from blogging while I’m over there because I want to you know, enjoy travelling (and because I won’t really have access to the internet)
and more importantly, b) I am woefully ignorant of all the cool things to do in the United States.
That’s where you guys come in!
I estimate that about 90% of my followers are from America. Surely you guys know what is worth doing/seeing in your own country, right? Where do you recommend I go? What do you do for fun? I don’t care where you are from, just tell me what city/state and what the fun thing is and I’ll repay you in sexual favours. But keep in mind that I’m only 19, which, while legal in Australia, isn’t in the States (seriously, guys? 21?! HOW DO YOU HANDLE IT?). Also let me know if there are ways around that little law.
Anything [Kane] does can be explained by the rationale that he is a certified crazy person. Sometimes he cares for his brother, sometimes he puts his brother in a vegetative state and then goes on a manhunt for himself. He. Is. CRAZY.
I think I’m going to make it a weekly thing to reblog my favourite quote from Mitch’s Raw Reviews because they are easily the funniest things on the internet. This particular review was consistently hilarious so it was a HARD DECISION, but I have a soft spot for jokes about Kane putting Undertaker in a vegetative state (specific soft spot, I know).